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As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, largely enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start seeing any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.

Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they appear demanding, often causing lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I desire a partner to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I fear the psychological toll this might create. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.

Each individual's intimate path varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate various forms of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs in your current state could easily shift in the future; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. One day you might meet someone who provides a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring what you want completely … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and see the value of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.

• The psychotherapist is a American therapy professional focusing on addressing intimacy issues.