The Phrases from My Father Which Helped Us when I became a Brand-New Father

"I believe I was simply just surviving for twelve months."

Ex- reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the difficulties of fatherhood.

Yet the truth soon became "utterly different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health issues surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise admitted to hospital. All of a sudden he was pushed into becoming her primary caregiver as well as caring for their infant son Leo.

"I was doing each nighttime feed, every nappy change… every walk. The role of mother and father," Ryan explained.

Following 11 months he reached burnout. It was a conversation with his own dad, on a park bench, that helped him see he needed help.

The simple phrases "You're not in a good spot. You must get assistance. What can I do to assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and regain his footing.

His story is commonplace, but rarely discussed. Although the public is now better used to talking about the pressure on mums and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the challenges dads encounter.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance

Ryan feels his difficulties are linked to a larger reluctance to open up between men, who often absorb damaging ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the fortress that just gets hit and stays upright every time."

"It isn't a sign of failure to seek help. I failed to do that fast enough," he clarifies.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a expert who studies mental health surrounding childbirth, explains men frequently refuse to accept they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not justified to be seeking help" - especially ahead of a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental well-being is equally important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the space to ask for a respite - spending a couple of days away, away from the home environment, to gain perspective.

He understood he had to make a change to focus on his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the day-to-day duties of caring for a new baby.

When he was honest with Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she was yearning" -reassuring touch and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan views parenthood.

He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he gets older.

Ryan thinks these will enable his son better understand the expression of feelings and understand his approach to fatherhood.

The concept of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

As a child Stephen did not have reliable male parenting. Despite having an "amazing" relationship with his dad, profound emotional pain resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their connection.

Stephen says repressing emotions resulted in him make "poor choices" when in his youth to modify how he felt, finding solace in alcohol and substances as an escape from the pain.

"You gravitate to behaviours that aren't helpful," he says. "They might short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will ultimately cause more harm."

Advice for Getting By as a New Father

• Talk to someone - if you're feeling under pressure, tell a trusted person, your spouse or a counsellor about your state of mind. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Remember your hobbies - make time for the activities that made you feel like yourself before having a baby. It could be exercising, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Don't ignore the body - eating well, staying active and if you can, getting some sleep, all contribute in how your mind is doing.
• Connect with other new dads - sharing their experiences, the challenges, as well as the joys, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Know that asking for help does not mean you've failed - taking care of yourself is the best way you can care for your loved ones.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen naturally had difficulty processing the loss, having had no contact with him for years.

As a dad now, Stephen's committed not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead provide the security and emotional support he did not receive.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - managing the feelings constructively.

Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men because they faced their pain, changed how they express themselves, and taught themselves to control themselves for their sons.

"I'm better… sitting with things and handling things," says Stephen.

"I wrote that in a note to Leo the other week," Ryan says. "I wrote, sometimes I think my purpose is to teach and advise you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a exchange. I am understanding an equal amount as you are in this journey."